well there, lest see how this goes

I, currently have no idea what i am going to write about.

Possibly the economic downturn?
No, thats boring.


Possibly how sexy i am?
no, you already know that.

Possibly how many scrotums rebecca has?
no, we all know she has twelve.


No, i am here to write to you about an amazing phenomenon.
the cat
It was my mums birthday the other day
(november 5 to be precise)
and she got a book titled
"the daredevils book for cats"

which got me thinking.

why do cats take complete advanatage of us?



all they do, all day is sit with their legs in funny positions.
or tripping us over.
or pretending to be cute then biting out noses.
or eating our babies.
(no, wait, that's jenny. sorry)

why?

i'll tell you why.

Because they are far superior to us.

All we really do is say "oh cutesy wootsy mister tiddlebumb!"

so, according to the daredevils book for cats" here is what i know so far.

Cuteness and how to deal with it.

Humans do so love an ickle kitten, or preferable three cute ickle kittens, cuddwing up to each uvver, They plaster them all over their birthday cards, posters, plates.... Cats on plates? whats all that about?

to which i say

NO!

cuteness must be stamped out.
We cats are in this for ourselves, not for anyone else.
Making a humans heart skip a beat and for them to go
"aw, aren;t they cute!!" is tantamount to prostitution.
In case you're thinking,
"weren't you a cute kitten once?"

NO. NO. NO!

I wasn't. Immediately after i was born, i rolled myself in tar than a succession of unattractive litter based objects, such as pork pie crusts, mutilated jelly babies, two hairclips discarded by an old lady with greasy hair and nits, and some poo.
So anytime you spot an ornament or 'living sculpture' featuring our cuddly kin, simply drop an anvil on a plate of them, and do the right thing.

Dynamite would also suffice.

Then there is another thing.


What cat;s really mean

Human: Here Kitty! come get your food!

Cat: meow!

What they mean: "you call that food! if i sicked that up, i'd be ashamed of myself. You monster!"

Human: "Why don't you come over ehre and sit with me?"
Cat:Meow!

What they mean: "sit with you? Do you think i've had nasal bypass operation? if i lay in your lap, my head would fall off!"


Human: (scratching head) "is thatnice?"

Cat: Meow

What they mean: "no! it's not bloody nice! you're in completely the wrong place, you ham fisted oaf. in truth, you've been scartching the same bit of my head for so long, it's starting to chafe. I canb't wait until you get your vet bills, then you'll be sorry!"

Human: (to human friend): The cat seems to love it here!

Cat: Meow

What they mean: No, i dont! This is the worst place in the world, its Guantanamo Bay times a million, you're worse than Genghis Khan!


yes,
i am sane.


good day.